Heavy Shoulders
Life really just flies by when you have babies. I can’t believe my 24th birthday is just in a few days and I can’t believe the twins are going to be 4 months old towards the end of this month. “Mom Brain” is a very real thing because unintentionally I am always forgetting to do things.
I do not like sugarcoating anything. I am as real and honest as I can be. I have no shame writing how I feel because that’s how I express myself as best as I can. Writing has always been an outlet for me aside from venting to people that actually have interest in what I have to say.
Becoming a mom has been one of the most challenging, but most rewarding experiences in my life. A new, “young” mom. A mom of multiples.
I was out running errands the other day and as I was strolling along my duties - I was told twice by different people: “Oh twins? That’s unfortunate.” or “I feel bad for you.” Well… don’t. Having twins is an absolute blessing. Even my OBGYN told me that whatever higher power you believe in or whatever is out there chooses people to have twins because they will figure it out. Nothing is more rewarding than being able to push through almost 4 months and counting successfully, exclusively breastfeeding them. Seeing their huge smiles and hearing their cute little laughs is what lights up my days. My bond with my babies is incredible.
I promised myself that if I were to ever have a baby, or babies in my case, then I would stay home and not even bother with daycare or a babysitter because I don’t trust anyone. Also, it’s not worth it to me to be working full-time to just have a good chunk of my money go towards having someone else watch my kids. Growing up - I watched my cousins and even my own siblings being raised by anyone but their own parents because the parentals were too busy working and/or trying to get their life together. I resented my parents for never being around.
But - I’m tired. I’m absolutely fucking exhausted. My hair is falling out like crazy. I’m sorry I am not painting a pretty Instagram post in your head. I am just being real with my feelings. I don’t know how you “stay at home moms” do it. Taking care of babies is a full-time job. It’s so stressful being responsible for human life… two especially. I barely ever have time for myself. If I’m not feeding or caring for the babies - I’m playing catch-up with daily chores such as doing dishes; Or doing loads of laundry and then not having it folded and put away for next 3 days until it’s time to do more laundry again. Somewhere in between there I am trying to feed myself since the twins breastfeeding literally sucks all the life out of me. A whole 20 minutes passes by instantly and one twin is already getting fussy because he/she wants attention or is wanting to be fed.
I don’t have friends that will drop what they’re doing to come over and help me. My family members are too busy taking care of their own lives and my mother lives almost 2 hours away from me. My boyfriend is always working. If he’s not working, then he’s off doing some project to make more money. If he’s not doing that, then he’s sitting on his phone until it’s time for bed. When I complain that I’m tired - he always wants to compare and says “well why don’t you go work full-time and I’ll take care of the kids.” No, that’s not how it should work. There needs to be some sort of balance, but we have yet to find it.
I never have time for myself and especially now with kids I truly never will. I hate trying to find a sitter for a little amount of time because I hate burdening people. I hate being away from them for a long period of time. My time off from my twins is when they go down at night and I have 3 hours before I have to pump milk and go to bed. I also work my two days a week just to have a face-to-face social life and make a little money for myself.
I really hope I can find some balance for myself and my new mom life.
I am not trying to scare anyone out of starting a family and becoming a mom, but I feel as if no one talks about the hardships. There are a lot of days where I am on the verge of a mental breakdown and I want to cry. I know the baby phase won’t last forever.
I just want this weight and stress to lessen off my shoulders.
-Razina Rintharamy
Live Thrive Die Company, LLC